Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Meddling Mendicant

I am the kind the jumped from one relationship to the next without ending the previous one first and giving myself a breather. Does that make me needy? Perhaps. Does that mean I cannot live life without a partner? No. It just means that I fell in love or lust, as the case may be at that point, before I was finished in the previous relationship. And rather than stress myself and my time with two simultaneous relationships, I chose to end the one that had served its cosmic purpose. Because, honestly, most relationships come with an expiration date. And while it might be painful to get out of one, or booted out of one, sooner or later both parties realise that that was as far as they could have gone.

So when I was with my first serious boyfriend at 18, I slaked my lust with an old flame from school. After a super-exciting make-out session and endless conversations over phone, I was asked if I wanted to be with him. I would have said yes but I took my time over it to see if the bastard meant it. Good thing I did. Because the next thing I knew was his girlfriend (yes, girlfriend, which was not me) went through great lengths to get my number and ask me why he had changed. Why he wasn’t as loving and as communicative as he used to be. Why she asked me I will never know. I only hope she didn’t see us making out in a very public place. When I diplomatically said I had no clue. She said she was planning to run away with him, and her mother had threatened suicide if she didn’t end it.

It was just a fraction of second but in that sliver of time I knew that I would rather save an unknown girl pain and embarrassment and be risked called a meddler than keeping quiet after I shot off a foul-mouthed email to the Bastard. And since then, if I was involved in what later became a sticky situation I called a spade a spade. Whether it was the man standing next to me feeling up an obviously uncomfortable girl’s butt (I hit him) or it was a girl going behind her husband’s back using my name to cheat on him. I didn’t go outright and tell the poor man. But when I got 13 calls at 1 a.m. and was asked to truck all the way down to Versova from Worli to see if the wife was okay because she hadn't answered any of his calls after 10, I had had enough. Happily, both of them now lead happy lives in two different cities.

After that was a string of meaningful relationships where I enjoyed song, sea, smokes, seduction, food and penury. All intermingling with each other because I would always be in a relationship before I got into another. I liked that and a couple of times the men knew how it was and didn’t have issues. Were they getting a quick lay? No. So I can never explain why all those men were kind to me despite knowing I’d be flying the coop soon.

I just hope I didn’t hurt them more than it was necessary.

10 comments:

  1. ... most relationships come with an expiration date.

    Interesting thought.

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  2. Agree with the expiration date concept. As long as there are exceptions that is! :-) But I just wish they came with an undo button as well :-|

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  3. Y'know there's something very similar about the way you 'writers' write ... it's as if you all took shape from the same mould or something. Not that it's a bad thing, just saying :)

    Nice blog. I like.

    best,
    SwB

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  4. SWB: No no no. It's a bad bad thing if we all write alike. There goes any chance of one of us standing out for the Booker. But I am glad you like it here :)
    Judy Balan: I'd like an Undo button for a lot of things, especially the moment I decided to have chocolate for breakfast today.
    The Visitor: Think about it. Don't you think it's true?

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  5. @PD
    Not an easy question to answer.
    Will get back on this later.

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  6. As promised I'm back...

    A relationship is not a perishable commodity, but then why do relationships go bad? I'd say that a relatioship is like a living being (a child maybe) which needs to be nurtured by those who form a part of the relationship, each person contributing his/her mite to grow the relationship. When either or both persons involved in a relationship do not play their role then the relationship becomes stunted and gradually withers away into nothingness.

    I remember reading somewhere that a relationship needs to be constantly burnished for it to be smooth.

    Sometime ago I was tempted to replace my 'ages-old' gas stove which was giving problems; around the same time a significant relationship of mine (that I wanted to save) was going through troubled times. Superstitiously, I held the belief that if I replaced my stove then my relationship too would die. So I just overhauled the gas stove and got it working. And voila my relationship too underwent a change for the better! Now I have both my gas stove and my relationship intact, though not as good as new, but almost there.

    More on relationships to follow...

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  7. A relationship involves at least 2 persons, where
    each has a need that another in the relationship fulfills,
    and each has something to contribute to the relationship.

    A relationship is fulfilling (to a person) only when (s)he is both a receiver and giver.

    Over time, needs change and the capacity to give 'whatever it was' also changes. In other words there is a mismatch between need and ability to give. This is when a relationship flounders.

    Establishing a (new) relationship is 'expensive', requiring investment of time, energy and emotions.

    I opine that one should hold on, for eventually cycles synchronize and feed meets need. (it rhymed, so I took the liberty). :)

    Long live relatioships... may be not 'happily-ever-after' but with up and downs, heartaches and happiness.

    PS: I write my guts out and I don't get a reply. This is one relationship that is already on the rocks. :(

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  8. My, I didn't think you'd come back at all. I am very surprised that you actually did and that too with such a lot of thought.

    But you know what? Your first statement -- relationships are not a perishable commodity -- is enough to tell me that you and i could be arguing this till apocalypse and we'd still be going hammer and tongs at each other.

    I believe they are.

    But I also agree with you when you say that unless both the people involved in a relationship are not doing what they should be doing, it will die out.

    My theory on relationships dying out is another one. Sometimes, individually, one or both people stop growing. That is not to say that they aren't contributing to the one relationship they share. They still go on loving, and giving and taking and fighting. But they're not growing themselves. So if one grows and the other doesn't -- and I've seen that happen. I in fact still need a person who doesn't need me any more. And I have a friend who needs but I can't seem to find any glow in that relationship.

    And thank god they come with an expiry date, otherwise there wouldn't be place for the newer ones. When you have an adundance of something, you scarcely need more of it. Unless that thing is money.

    But I see your point. And I don't know anyone who can overhaul a gas stove on their own. Privilege.

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  9. So if one grows and the other doesn't --
    Wow! I never thought of this. There is a point in what you say and it frightens me. :(

    Here's the comment that blogger earlier ate up on two occasions:
    A relationship is something that involves 2 or more persons where the relationship fulfills some need of each person in the relationship, and equally important, where each person has something to give/contribute to the relationship.

    A relationship is not static, as needs of the persons change, as well one's ability to contribute to the relationship also changes. Therefore the nature of relatioships also do change over time.

    However, when there is a mismatch between what one puts into and takes away from a relationship (or perceived as such) then the relationship flounders.

    Relationships are 'costly' affairs requiring investment in terms of time, energy and more importantly emotions(is that even right? Can one invest emotions?). When a relationship is on the rocks, which is easier? Ending the relationship and starting a new relationship? Or, continuing the relationship, in the hope of better times? It depends on the 'investment' one has made in the relationship.

    Unless there are issues of gross incompatibility, I believe that cycles do synchronize (where giving meets a need) and eventually there will be a period when a relationship between 2 persons gets back on even keel (though maybe not in the same form as before).

    Long live stable relationships. :)

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