I apologize...

As I said in my last post, all my secrets are out and I feel better already. So I have not been able to do a post a day.

And I thought I wouldn't be back here. Because I outed myself. I know the person who knows my secrets and the person knows me. Not good.

But I am back.

Because as much as I think I've purged and become happy and clear, I wonder. Is it because the pendulum of luck is swinging in my favor? Or is it because I don't want more secrets that I may or may not have revealed?

I don't know.

I thought of something else that I wanted out of my system yesterday. It's something else I've been dealing with on and off for a number of years.

As a child, I was beaten pretty bad. I wore it as a badge of pride that the more they hit me, the more I would stand my ground and not do what they wanted. Today I realize many things but mostly that my parents married young. They had me young.

Barely out of their late teens themselves, they married, had me and had a life to live and pull together. No help whatsoever came from any quarter for the most bit. And so even for the smallest offenses my sisters and I were beaten. We weren't delinquent, we lied on occasion because we learned that truth didn't get us any benefit but the cold shoulder or a really bad beating/berating. Lying was easy. Lying got us out of trouble for the moment so white lies to get out of situations became a good thing. Even today, if I find myself in a tight spot with my parents, I find myself choosing to lie first. It takes deliberate effort to stick to the truth. And I've learned, there's no triumph in it. Lying is easy.

Another fall out of all the beating that happened was this -- it taught me violence was okay. Or at least not consciously but my reaction to someone close to me saying something I didn't like was to raise my hand at them.

Many a past boyfriend has borne the brunt of it. Some of them hit me back, in a very non-brutal way. Only because their heart and their ego, not to mention whatever body part I chose to hit, hurt. Not because they wanted to hurt me I am sure. And I liked that because it immediately gave me an upper hand. I could claim I hit them only because I lost control as I am wont to do. But with them? They're men no,? How can they hit a woman? And I'd have a mind-slave for at least a month or two, till either of us saw through my manipulation. Because, as I see myself the way I was then, I realise I sub-consciously drove a man up the wall so that I could gain the upper hand in some way. And I usually did. So much so that my men would get addicted to my super-independent, hyper-dependent bastard personality and never be able to give me up.

Most my boyfriends are married and settled. How I hate that word. But I know if I give out the right vibe, they'll be happy to spend a week with me. Sex is a big draw of course but the addiction that I can be, as their attention can be to me, is the real thing.

I am tempted to test my charm on one man. He's never been a boyfriend. And we've met each other only a couple of times but it's enough for me to know what is in his heart. I can see it in the way he finds reasons to not spend time with me but texts me at night asking something inane. I can see it in the way he looks at me. I can smell it on him when I chat with him. Will I do it? I am tempted to. But I am done with games. Because if I start on this guy, I know it will be only sexual for me. And I don't want to share my body with anyone else but my current.

If I do, I'll let you know.